He saw corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets.

Do you know how to pony?  Like bony maroney.

Do you know how to twist? Well it goes like this, it goes like this:

It’s 10pm in Bangkok and, rest assured, I haven’t eaten dinner, I’m blogging from a shopping mall, and I’m rocking a neoprene wrist support on my right mouse-clicker (back in the olden days they called them ‘hands’). The mall rat smack has hit my veins and it sounds a lot like Patti Smith singing horses, horses, horses, horses.

But Bangkok’s new Terminal 21 shopping mall — each floor themed after a different international city — exerts a loopy alchemy. Suddenly I get the feeling I’m being surrounded by corsets, corsets, corsets, corsets!  Perhaps I’m paranoid. Or perhaps Pedro and I have lingered a little too long on the Tokyo floor, home of happycorset.com:

My figure has been more Smith than Monroe as of late. All I do is work; my ass is beginning to take the shape of my cheap, sunken office chair. No offense to Patti, but I’m over being a gay man’s muse.

Part of my family’s lore is a story about my great-grandfather wanting to get some sleep after a long day’s work. He stumbled into the bedroom he shared with my great-grandmother. When he saw all his wife’s ‘underthings’ strewn about the room, her corset included, he barked, ‘Gracie, get those women off of my bed!’

I want my women back. I want hips like María Félix when I don my little black dress.

For this week’s post I found a beautiful woman with a gorgeous figure to fill my size-10 shoes. Don’t let the name Pedro dissuade you. ‘He’ is definitely 100% La Doña. Pedro looks smokin’ in his Happy Corset. And that Tibetan breastplate sure don’t hurt — a dramarama accessory I believe FU has singlehandedly put back on the fashion map.

Black corset: Happy Corset, Tokyo Floor, Terminal 21, Bangkok

Tibetan breastplate: Bethany Walter’s fabulous online jewelry store, Armor Bijoux

Copper bracelet: The Gold Mine, Ketchum, Idaho

Strappy heels: Geez, Pedro — where’d ya get those sweet heels? Fill me in when you got a sec.

How have we gone from ooh la la guitarra to Victoria’s Secret in 50-odd years? It must have been the Fin de siècle.

Thank God there’s a burlesque dancer to redeem us all: the mermaid-pale, azure-corseted Dita Von Teese:

Well color me purple. Next time I draw you a Liger, Pedro, I’ll make it all Gotham-like. Ligers are like a lion and tiger mixed — bred for its skills in magic. Just like mating an antique Tibetan breastplate with a cheap Bangkok corset. Same species, Pedro.

Dear Pedro (a.k.a. Vanessa Boots),

Thanks again for all the sweet hook-ups and for letting me be a lazy blogger. If you don’t come back to visit soon I’m going to have to grow some T&A along with a midnight work ethic. I’m just so tired — gosh!

Peace out,

Napoleon

Photographs by Vanessa Boots (a.k.a. Pedro) and the bemused shop girl at www.happycorsets.com